On Flowers and Obscenities
by taintedtwistedtraumatized
Summary: Officially Lily Evans' boyfriend James Potter muses on what he'll name their kid. The other Marauders just can't help but disagree. How Harry became Harry and not... Jasmine...


Disclaimer: Any credit given to me I shall not accept. Well, maybe some. But all of these characters belong to the lovely Ms. Rowling, and those publishers.  
  
Author's Notes: If any of you've read Silver Blood and 12 days of New Year, thanks a lot. Oh yeah, this fic is dedicated to Hypen (ilo siento, senorita) Tanie & Starr (my former betas) and CapriceAnn Hedican-Kocur.  
  
If I had a kid...  
  
7:47 p.m. December 23, 1977  
  
James and Sirius emerged from the portrait hole looking quite smug and proud of themselves. They walked pompously toward Remus and Peter who have been eyeing them suspiciously for the last seconds. They puffed their chests as they sat down beside Peter and Remus on the comfy chairs in the Gryffindor Common Room.  
  
Remus: What are you two up to?  
  
James: Actually, Padfoot and I are up to nothing whatsoever. We're just in a very fine mood.  
  
Peter: A very fine mood for what?  
  
Sirius: Nothing whatsoever.  
  
Remus: Like that hasn't happened for the last six years.  
  
James: You're not curious anymore?  
  
Remus: No. As long as you say you're up to nothing whatsoever, I don't suppose it's worth my while.  
  
Peter (whispers to Remus): What are you up to?  
  
Remus: Nothing whatsoever, my dear Peter.  
  
Sirius: You're not planning to ask us about our nothing whatsoever?  
  
Remus: I don't reckon so.  
  
James: Oh come on. Bug us and we'll tell you.  
  
Remus: *looks down on his homework* I thought it was nothing whatsoever?  
  
Sirius: It's not anymore. Please?  
  
Peter: You two are weird. One minute you're hiding something and the next minute you're begging us to beg you to tell us.  
  
James: We're not begging you to beg us to tell you. We're simply – erm – help me here Padfoot.  
  
Sirius: We want to tell you. We just want to waste our time whilst we're doing it.  
  
Peter: Doing what?  
  
Sirius: Telling you!  
  
Remus: So what is it, then?  
  
James: I'm not going to tell.  
  
Remus: *looks down on his homework*  
  
James: Alright, here it is. Remember Lily Evans?  
  
Remus: How could I not remember? She's only the only topic you're eager to discuss every single day.  
  
James: Well, I asked her out.  
  
Remus: That isn't exactly new, James.  
  
James (ignores Remus): And you know what she said?  
  
Remus: Do I look like I know?  
  
James (ignores Remus again): What did she say to me, Padfoot?  
  
Sirius (clears throat): If I had a Knut every time you asked me out I'd have a thousand galleons by now. I'm not some kind of –  
  
James: Not that part! The other one!  
  
Sirius: Oh. She said yes.  
  
Remus: Well that's certainly worth all the strutting. *Claps*  
  
James: I know. Isn't it great?  
  
Peter: The strutting?  
  
James: No! The let's-meet-at-the-Three-Broomsticks-and-enjoy-the-rest-of- the-day-before-Christmas-together-if-I-won't-get-annoyed-to-death part!  
  
Peter: Evans said that?  
  
Sirius: Why, of course. But that was before she said –  
  
Remus (turns to James): So is there anything else you want to muse about before you enjoy the presence of Lily Evans?  
  
Sirius: No, I don't think so.  
  
Remus: Not you, Sirius.  
  
Sirius: Oh. James, Remus is talking to you.  
  
James: What do you think the name of our kid will be? *stares at the ceiling*  
  
Sirius: Are you talking to the ceiling or to us?  
  
James: Both.  
  
Remus: I think your kid will be a girl.  
  
Sirius: No way, James wouldn't have that. I bet it's a boy.  
  
Remus: How much?  
  
James: How about you, Peter? Don't coop up in your own thoughts there.  
  
Peter: I don't think James and Lily will get married.  
  
James and Sirius: *glare at Peter* I'd rather ask the ceiling.  
  
Remus: I suppose that means they like it better when you're cooping up in your own thoughts, Peter.  
  
James: I quite agree.  
  
Sirius: So if it's a boy he'll be named James Jr.  
  
Remus: That name sends shivers down my spine. It'll be a girl and her name will be Rose. It's Lily's daughter after all.  
  
Sirius: Yes but Lily's grandmother is named Rose. If it is a girl, Daisy will definitely be her name.  
  
Remus: No, Lily's third cousin is Daisy. How about Iris?  
  
Sirius: I think Lily's second cousin's friend's girlfriend is named Iris.  
  
Remus: But if it is her second cousin's friend's girlfriend, she's not related to Iris.  
  
Sirius: But it is a dumb name, you know.  
  
Remus: And I suppose you came up with a better one?  
  
Sirius: Of course. How about Jasmine?  
  
Remus: I hate to admit it but Jasmine is a lovely name. That settles it. Jasmine it is.  
  
Sirius: Excellent! I get to be the godfather.  
  
Remus: But what if it's a boy?  
  
Sirius: I haven't really though of that... *thinks*  
  
An awkward silence spreads around.  
  
James (finally found his voice): Wait a minute! This is my daughter you're talking about! At least I'm allowed a say on this.  
  
Remus: Fire away.  
  
James: How do you know Lily's third cousin, her grandmother's, and her second cousin's friend's girlfriend's name?  
  
Remus: It's in the JAMES POTTER'S LILY EVANS' FAMILY TREE... Don't tell me you've forgotten.  
  
James: *ignores Remus* Okay, Sirius is the godfather. And it is completely going to be a bouncing baby boy.  
  
Sirius: Why would you want it to bounce?  
  
James: It's a figure of speech.  
  
Sirius: The what?  
  
Remus (interrupts): So what'll his name be?  
  
James: I thought we agreed with James Jr.  
  
Sirius (sarcastically): Well that makes me want to be a woman and have your child.  
  
James, Remus, and Peter: *stare at Sirius*  
  
Sirius: Did I just say that aloud?  
  
Remus: Bloody hell; is it hot in this common room or what?  
  
James: How about James Rupert William John Potter?  
  
Remus: You just made your name longer.  
  
James: But it's a great name, isn't it?  
  
Remus: Honestly, James, if names were nightmares this would definitely be one of them.  
  
James: Well that didn't hurt my feelings.  
  
Remus: Harry.  
  
James: My name's James.  
  
Remus: Yes, excellent! Harry James Potter.  
  
James: That is the most horrible name I have ever heard.  
  
Remus: Yes, because part of it has your name.  
  
Lily (sprouts up from behind like a mushroom): I think it's a wonderful name. Besides the middle name, that is.  
  
James (swoons): Yeah, me too.  
  
Lily: I still hate you, Potter (Walks out) even if we are going out.  
  
James: Yeah, me too.  
  
Remus: Why don't we just quit this?  
  
James: Why's that?  
  
Remus: Because Peter is cooping up in his actual own thoughts, which we didn't even know existed, and Sirius is busy looking around for his masculine side, which he just lost because of this daft conversation, by the way.  
  
James: Can I just sing?  
  
Remus: Don't mind me while I go up to the dormitory and throw my anger into your underpants. @#%$*!)$&#)%!!  
  
James (ignores Remus): On the first day of New Year...  
  
___________________________________ 


End file.
